i have an ugly secret hiding in the dungeons of my mind

i wish i could color it pink and no one would care

that would help me pretend like it was never there

it spreads its vicious wings far off till my heart

i think its playing a game, to see if i am smart

its not much all i need to do is think and be smart

or so i think!

my chain got stuck in it
its half way out and half way in
there is a key to it but not with me
maybe i lost it...
maybe i didn't have it at all, i do not recollect

i can break free and make a new one
but its a precious one
if only i could find the key
i could be free and happy
but i was hasty...i know its my fault

only knowing will not help
i need a solution
a good solution!
a new key?
a new chain?
break it?
stay still. dont move. think.

Color me

You have the brush
You have the paints
so what are you waiting for?
Color me

You laugh and dance while you paint
You define your emotions on me
so what are you waiting for?
Color me

You tear me and make me again
Coz the dominant black stole the pink's fame
so what are you waiting for?
color me

You slapped me with a yellow when blue was on your mind
You threw in some white thinking it will all just be fine
so what are you waiting for?
Color me

Paints are over! is that watcha saying?
Or is it just food on your mind?
Or is it the new canvas waiting at the door?
so what are you waiting for?
Color me

Random thought

How the @#!# do you LOLZZZ.....no like really? so you Laugh Out LoudZZZZ...oh c'mon!

There is something called a REALITY CHECK. But what if you dont have any delusions and these so called reality checks are striking scars on your body?

Victimized

Sanjyot: hehe....(status mesg)

mayapillai88: :D

Sanjyot: :D

:D
D::D

:D

:D

:D

:D
d

D:

d:D

:D

:D

d:d'd

:D

:D

d:D

d:::D'

:D

mayapillai88: :D

Sanjyot: arrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aaaaaaaaaaaaar

gggh

s

a

aaaaaaaaaaaa

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

gggggggg

hh

hh

hhhhh

hh

main pagal hun

mai n

pagsl

mayapillai88: pata hain..

Sanjyot: paf;]d

pagal

pgal

pagal

mayapillai88: pata hain..

pata hain..

pagal..

mad

idiot..

Our breed

We are all senseless creatures trying to be intelligent
We know it but we pretend to ignore
We try to make things easy for ourselves but don't realize the difficulty of understanding the easy
We innovate and think we are creative assuming our success
We talk like we own everything ignoring the debts
We think we are poor and ask for more
We know it deep down within, what we do will bounce back at us
We are senseless creatures planning our own death under the disguise of modernism

Choice and eraser

His eyes choose to look away when she is around
His smile chooses to please someone else's heart
His hands choose to withdraw every time she holds his
His hug chooses to comfort some other miss
His jokes choose to entertain everyone but her
His talks choose to play like music in someone's ears
Its his choice that chooses, he says
So she chooses to forget him and all those days
ERASE

Just a question

Can't death wait?

My little fingers

Discard

I wanted it so badly that i forgot why i wanted it.

There was no need to fake the need when the need to feel the need was mistook for what i thought was the need.
Leave it because the want is dead and hence the need must die too. Your need never needed you to be his need. So there need not be any want which is not your need.
DISCARD.

Should i sleep or should i read?
Should i work or should i eat?
Should i stand or should i run?
Should i use a blunt knife or a shot gun?

Should i kill or should i get killed?
Should i think or should i paint on the shoe that i have?
Should i ask or just let the truth die?
Should there be tears or let the fake laughs cry?

I think not that i think this way
to even think about it everyday!

Bubblegum theory

One day a man was passing a classroom. He was super depressed in his life. He needed some entertainment to get away from the shallow life of his. So he decided to enter this classroom.

Seeing him enter the students remained stunned for few seconds. The next few minutes passed by discussing the number of students in the class. For that too, the depressed man appointed few students to sit(actually stand) and learn numbers in the form of their friends!

While the selected victims remained busy, the super sad and depressed man moved a lot from one place to another... and during this course of action his eyes fell on the word 'art' in one of his papers. This brought him to think about the movement his body made that led him to this word!
During this deep thinking session, the students were getting impatient with his unpredictability. So to shut the chatter boxes, he thought lets give them something that will steal away their sleep and peace of mind for the next few minutes(actually days). The word 'art' was running in his head.... and the movement of his body..... Oh my GOD! movement...body....art....art...move....arrr....mmuuuu......movement ....art....Oh my God! ART MOVEMENT! EUREKA! Lets give them some work on these two words.... and just for fun!!! (exactly in Russell Peters way) ask them to chew off their brains!

By the way ...... Rudolf the red nose rain deer ...had a very shiny nose...and if you ever saw it...pack your bags and ..let us GOOOOOO

PS: to all my fellow Symbians of 2006 batch...you know what i am talking about! ehh..

A new home, a new job

It was in the air! Floating like the magic carpet, weightless and merry
It brushed along the souls it came across, spreading the fragrance of joy
Dancing to the tunes of the breeze...it was nearing her
She anxiously waited on her toes, looking out for her turn
Sitting on the waves of the wind, it slowly reached her side
She closed her eyes to get ready for the eternal feeling
Her body felt a hundred heart beats together
Eyes were now shut tight like a jammed door
Hands were damp like she just dipped them in rosewater
It would happen now and she would be happy forever
There were a hundred hearts in her body
Cool winds slapped her hard as ever
It is over. she thought
She opened her eyes to thank it but found herself staring at faces she didn't recognize
A smile ran across their face as she brushed along their side
Sweet smell touched every spot that she stepped upon

Her eyes searched for it but in vain
How could it disappear without meeting her? she cried
Why not her? she questioned
Minutes of distress passed
She wiped her tears and decided to leave

But something stopped her, each time she took few steps
Not just one but any direction she chose
She was locked! she panicked
It never came and blessed her with happiness
Only passed her close enough to lock her in a cage, she moaned
Tears fell like the monsoon rains
And black clouds crowded her mind
Thunders of hatred made her blood gush like a wild river in her body

All this chaos stopped her from realizing that the locked cage was 'it'
Now it was she who brought smiles on drowned faces

She did not just get brushed by it but also resided in 'it',
The Bubble of Joy.

That one minute...

Her eyes widened. The seat lost all the comfort it provided. Suddenly all the nerves in her body left her alone. She wanted to run to a cliff and scream her guts out, but her voice betrayed her too. The people around her started to spin. Her hands wanted to hold something solid, but her brain refused the command. Her body felt the rush of blood.

She wanted to remember all those times which made her happy. The new school she joined, the new friends she made, graduation party, the day she met Anand, the day he proposed, the day they got married. All the events flashed like lighting bolts in her head. The picture of Anand smiling everytime she blew air in his ears captured her mind. She had come 25 years hence, seen her two boys grow and make a living for themselves. The day her sons graduated, the tears that rolled down her eyes. Anger, joy, sadness, anxiety, fear, depression all flooded her heart. She wanted to break free. And she was going to.

That tiny pain in her chest lingered around. Ignorance is the culprit, she thought. If only she could turn back time. Just a minute ago she wanted to go watch a movie. But now she wanted to visit all possible places that she had not. She wanted to eat all that she had missed out on. She wanted to meet all those who she dreamed about atleast once. But somehow all seemed like cookies in a locked jar. Just a minute ago she was going to be done with this appointment and quickly grab a seat in the theatre. But she was exposed to the fact that it is her luck that she is still alive. The cancer had grown way too far till the liver.

She touched Anand’s hand who could not stop the tears rolling down his face. They both stared at each other and said a million things. With all consciousness lost, she walked upto the window behind. She turned back to find Anand and the Doctor stare at her back. She lifted her hand and found herself staring at the watch. It was 3.46 pm, 14^th October, 2007.

The countdown had begun. She stared outside the window and noticed that a kid was just about to get run over by a car but was saved in time. She wished if someone could come and give her a hand and pull her back out of the whirlpool that she was stuck in.

Slowly she started to feel the window pane, her feet felt the ground and her brain registered what she saw. She looked at her watch and looked back at her husband. She wished they would stop staring.

She took a step forward and said, “we are late for the show.”

PS: A special dedication to my Shaila pachchi...miss you a lot!

The enlightening trip to mulshi

There are few things you do everyday and without them your day is just not a day! everyday you brush your teeth, bathe, pee, SHIT! (Yes the last one is in BOLD)
I never imagined how this one mundane activity of a human being could possibly affect the mind ....soooooo much! But my poor darkened understanding received light, thanks to the study trip to mulshi.

This trip (as we were told) was a 'study' trip which God only knows why it was held in Mulshi. I mean i know the place is damn beautiful and all( which truly it is), but still why?
Anyway...getting back, yes! So my class of 60 (which usually is 30 on the normal lecture days) had to be transported to this place in a 54 seater with material such as printer(yes yes printer in a village called mulshi), speaker (probably to announce in the village that we are here we are here!), drawing boards (mind you for every student), a black board (aahan black board it is) with 5 to 6 dozen of tinted sheets and mount board...oooh oohh...and pots too..like 60 of them! All this in a 54 seater local travelling bus along with 60 students, 2 profs and their luggage. Woah! An event in itself. Who needs to go to mulshi? Lets stuff ourselves in the bus like cotton and party man!!!

After 2 and a half hours of the painful journey(literally), getting out of the bus felt like paradise!
The food served there was amazing for all four days!( woah i miss it like mad) Thankfully we were blessed with proper maharashtrian food. Our resting room was as big as my kitchen in which 9 of us had to sleep with no fan and a 10watt bulb. At first we contemplated whether the luggage should sleep in or us?? But everything fell in place when 2 went to the profs room and other 2 left the next day!

There were around 8 'cottages' surrounding a lawn, a kitchen and 3 bathrooms and toilets. And all this on a far off mountain with a river flowing below.
Food was the highlight of the day amidst warli painting, chitrakathi painting and village documentation that we were asked to do.

The first day began with 2 loos clogging under the pressure of 60 human beings. The following morning, the last and only hope to free our stomachs from the pressure gave in. The tolerable ratio was 1:60 ...but after this tragic incident, none:60! woah! time to take tension, but that too was dangerous! We diverted our minds and wandered to the riverside, the shack...the lawn and conveniently ignored the topic of food. By this time few students had lost hope and returned back home.

Luckily by evening we could free ourselves from the underlying pressure. every one came out with huge victory smiles and relief!

The sun down was the best! The only activity left was to lie down on the grass and stare at the gazillion stars flaunting their beauty and glory.

Consciously or unconsciously every one counted the hours back to the time when we were suppose to depart. I remember, when everybody saw the bus arriving , they all ran towards it like a cattle herd. The whole trip was filled with tensions,frustrations, fun times at the shack, the river, the lawn and all.

By the end of trip, a lot of students had left earlier. So the journey back home was a little better than the former one.(Thank the Lord!) All in all this trip was full on masala maarke kinds!

PS: The trip was a lot more eventful and fun than it sounds in this piece of writing!

My mind and I

My mind is blank, I dont know where all my thoughts ran
Words are floating around me but my mind refuses their entry
It wants some space to think for itself, be free from all the issues that need to be dealt.

But what happens to I when my mind says 'goodbye'
The I remains nothing but just a body with no act,
regretting the complaints and realizing what I lack.

'Need you back' says I to my mind
But mind does not turn to look behind
I wait and wait for some miracle to stop by
Hoping that the mind will come back and tell me not to cry!
And help I to gain my confidence back,
feel like a new person and get my life on the right track.

'Come back my mind' says I again
I stand here while my mind stands there, you know, its a narrow lane.
Minutes of silence envelopes I and mind
Finally mind cries out, " Be back when PEACE is mine."

From there to this...

"Pass me the tape! Arey give me the cutter!What are you doing??" That is exactly what i should have been yelling at this point of time...

Since the past two weeks I worked and worked so that i could have this one chance of proving myself worth something. My college festival started today ie. the 1st of feb 2008. Being a part of the 2nd day of the fest was the best thing. I got to do things what i like, be with people and enjoy the fest. The most amazing part of a college fest is the making of it. Th amount of effort the students put in is mind blowing...

I am one of them. I was lucky to be a part of 'the most amazing' side of the fest ie. the days of struggle to get it all together. I was eagerly waiting for 'THE' days to begin...until last night the 31st of january when i visited a doctor and was told about a disease that i had never ever heard of and that i was suffering from it! Crazy!! Like just 24 hours ago i know zilch about this disease and the next minute i know i have it..

I am supposed to be perfectly fine in about two weeks though. Wow! That makes it better...i miss my college fest, have to go home and stay on bed for a week, i miss college, i miss on an important submission and blah blah! What more can i ask for!
Atleast i get to go home right!!
Oh lord in 24 hours i have travelled from there to this!!!!!
With all the work pressure i kept praying if i could just go home...and BANG!!! My wish comes true.

So off i shall be to my beloved home
To sleep, to eat but not to roam
To cuddle in my mum's arms
And not care when goes off...my alarm
With an unwell body but healthy soul
I shall now go and play the sweetest daughter's role!

Mind games!

Time: 12:59 am, 26th january 2008

Thought: Are we the slaves of our mind or is it the other way round?

Listening to: Delilah - plain white T's

Going to: Sleep

What do you really want??

It is just a part of the human nature to be insatiable. No one can be happy with what they have. There are so many things in life that u really want but no one knows what they actually need!

In my case, sometimes(actually most of the time) i want something and when i get it .....I DONT WANT IT!! When its not mine, i keep wishing for it and once i have a chance to lay my hands on it....that thing just loses importance in my life. I wonder why that happens!
I think i still dont know myself so much to analyze what i am really made for...

I always wanted to live out and study. Living in a hostel, doing things your own way(it only sounds fascinating...the actual truth remains in one's perception), away from parents, completely new set of friends( who become your lifeline later) and blah blah! When i was in bombay.....never in my wildest dream did i imagine myself to come so far. It all seemed like a dream!
Living here for almost 2 years now, i can proudly say i have been there done that!(and i know there is still lots more in my kitty!) There were so many times that i thought that i was better off in bombay. Then phases passed when i couldn't stand the hostel and the 'n' number of girls hovering around you stealing your personal space which you can freely obtain at home. There were times when i hated bombay for how crowded it is( forgetting the fact that i lived there for 18 years!) and wanted to shift permanently to pune.....(even got down to convince my dad to shift here) But thats all history.

My major problem was that, i kept running from problems in both the cities and accordingly shifted my preferences...i know i know 'the grass is always greener on the other side'
But today i can feel the change. It was a completely different me last year..She was a weak and extremely sentimental person who was afraid of loneliness..who could not bear the fact that the limelight could not remain hers all the time! She was some one who got attached to things very fast but remained unknown to the fact that all things are going to change all the time...all people are going to change ...and nothing can remain constant..changes keep happening every now then..may be some thing is changing while i am writing....

Right now i am breathing a different sort of air! I know who i am, how i am and that i have the power to make people happy in my own small ways! Just last week some one called me immature and stupid, without even knowing me! But that still dint stop me from self analization. I still went through thoughts like 'am i really that kiddish? am i so stupid? why do i laugh so much?' Though i care a damn about the person who obliged me with such 'sweet and polite' notes, i still strained my brain! But that just made me realize my strengths more and more... special thanks to 'that' person!

Oh Yes!!! I think before i die i will definitely do theatre( i know thats random, but thats my dream...) To enact plays and entertain people! Thats what i do the best.That is something from which i will surely attain nirvana!

My new mantra..........

When i was in school all i remember doing was...get up go to school, come back and take a nap...study and play and blah blah! i dont recollect any day where i get up and think 'oh god what the hell is happening in my life?? why am i doing this??' coz when you are in school all you are concerned with is, your studies, your homework and play! No deadlines, no pressure of submitting projects....no bunking and then getting TNG! (i dont think who ever reads this will understand this ..but i am writing to satisfy myself...what the hell! heehee....newaz getting back to the topic...)
Today at the age of 19....if i think life is stressful...god help me then. But it is! ask any of my college mates....my college has suddenly realized we exist and after about a lull of few days....its raining projects in the city of pune!
theres is so much to do....and obviously you want to do it perfect......and when that does not happen ...frustration starts to show its ugly face.... earlier i used to sulk when too many things were on my mind!(dont remember when though)
But right now...there is soooo much in the head and mind u every thing is frustrating......all i can do is laugh! oh yes laugh ....thats my new mantra....
a point comes in life when nothing affects you anymore...and there is a lot to do but your mind goes blank...at this point LAUGH!!!!
Its not like you are making fun or something...as far as i am concerned..i think i laugh so much....is because..the moment i become aware of what shit i have fallen into...i visualize myself in even worse conditions and then LAUGH at it.....thinking 'atleast i am not there!' hahaha.......
But this positivity is not always with me that i can boast about it.....the rest of the time i laugh at my situation...simply visualizing myself as a cartoon....and reciting some of the most stupid and cliched dialogues of bollywood cinema!!!

i think i should sleep

eyes hurt....snores heard....lights are off....its time to stop!!

And finally i made it.....

every time i heard people talking about blogs i thought... may be i should also have one...and finally i have succeeded. I was thinking of making an account for quite some time...and today is the day...i have a blog...yay!( i actually suck at this..but i hope it will be fun! aahhhh procastination... thats what held me back for so long!)
But i have vowed...i will not leave anything for later.....(well that just lasts till the time you finish reading the statement! after that i am back to being the usual me......a major example of that has to be animation!) thats just a topic in itself...i can crib about it for centuries together....maybe tour the whole world and post abusive language on every single wall about how annoying it is! It is like....no it's not 'like' but 'it is' a silent killer....woah!
maybe i should make a different topic for our very own....."annni-may-si-yon.......hieee yah!!!"

my first blunder on blogspot..

i keep forgetting ..i have to change the time!! ....which i dont!! ...which is why all my posts are wrong timed and dated!!
learn sanjyot learn!!!